Crying Silently

Oh my brain, oh my mind, oh my life!
I am holding on to the reserves of my endurance, how scant that is.
For the first time in my life I feel I need emotional support but there is no one and I am alone. When you are stuck you are alone.
No one has even an atom of an idea how hard I am trying to keep my head up.
How long can I go like this?

Dear Blog

I didn’t mean to ignore you but lot have happened since I last wrote. Life has been pretty busy and I have been rushed off my feet.

On top of that the stuff I was going through and needed an outlet to vent has somewhat taken a different turn. I thought I was alone in those feelings but becoming aware that a lot of other people felt the same way, sort of lessen the burden or stress so to speak. Hence the lack of need to write

So what am I going to write about from now? Happy things I hope.

Now that would be wonderful

Tug Of War

I have been at a tug of war with myself regarding a certain place I go to and a decision I have to make.
How do I come to the right decision or is there a right one?

Where has my intuitive decision making ability vanished to? I have been wavering for so long and that is so unlike me. I am not a waverer!

I feel, this particular place is not good for me emotionally or spiritually. I can handle people playing games amongst themselves but I can’t handle if it involves me. I don’t have the mental makeup to be a game player. So what happens is I complain and then I become a whinger.

So far I have been either in the fluctuating platform or decisive one. Alas when I have been in the latter something happens beyond my control preventing me from carrying out that decision. So I have had to stick it out.

I am exhausted on many fronts and feel the need to move away from places and people who are too shallow, petty minded and taxing

Yesterday while talking with someone about the behaviour of a certain person I had a sort of a revelation as to what I could do to stop it all. This is the very same decision I have arrived at in the past only to revert due to conditions beyond my control
However even with the new knowledge I still can’t make up my mind.
Money, however meagre, amount to something at this point. So that is a preventing factor. But there is something else that is preventing me from putting the foot forward and seeing my decision through. I can’t pin point what it is.

I wonder if it is because of my belief that if you do a decent job you will eventually be rewarded. Yeah right in your dreams! Perhaps in the commercial sector, yes, but not so in the community sector. Community sector operate on a different value level. There is no performance accountability for the staff, as long as they can provide some statistical data to their funding body at the end of the financial year. Anyone who is a conscientious unpaid worker is exploited in the name of volunteering without recognising their contribution.

Had a talk with the daughter on the matter and when I put forth my facts and stated the obvious choice she said “yep you should” and then I put forward the second scenario she said “yep that is true too” So as you can see that was no help.

Arrgh do it! Just do it! What am I worried about?

My thoughts and I

I am struggling with feelings of sympathy towards a man who had no sympathy for me when he controlled my life the way he thought it should be lived.

I don’t understand those feelings of mine or the place they are coming from. They surprise me. After all I felt none for him before.

His tone of voice, the stammering while trying to say something, the search for words and the anxiety.......... and the fact that I don’t listen or not wanting to listen.......all generate compassion later.

Perhaps that is what humanness is all about however insensitive the other person has been.

There is no joy seeing a man down even though he led himself there. I empathise the utter despondency he must be feeling. Or does he?? Is he capable of such? I don't know. Perhaps he is.

But once bitten twice shy so I am aware not to let those feelings engulf me to lead to a path of trusting him. I need to look after myself.

It is beyond my comprehension as to how we got to where we are today or how a brain kept doing what it did without learning from mistakes.
I have stopped trying to comprehend. I don't think i ever will

Putting up a Brave Face

I had a difficult day today both emotionally and physically. Woke up in the morning with the whole body aching. Wished I could phone work and say I am not coming in. But I don’t have that luxury. Not anymore. I have to correct someone else mistakes.

If circumstances were different and my life took a different turn giving me the opportunity to gear my life where I wanted it to go, then I would be living a stress free life today working only to keep busy and not necessarily to depend on that.

But life had other plans and I just couldn’t win. How unfair!

Went though lots of emotions in the morning before going to work and gathering the strength to pert up to work was a feat.
Around mid morning I felt the downturn of the radar and brain going into hibernation. It was very hard especially around people to keep a straight face and talk.
I was crying inside but had to carry on as normal.

Highway to?

I drove across the country all myself today. Ok alright, it was across the state, so what. It is same but different.

Driving up to the destination was spent concentrating not to miss the exit and making sure I stay on track but the return trip was more relaxed, filled with mixed feelings, while retracing the steps back home

There were feelings of sadness and contentment at the same time. I guess sadness came from a place where I felt alone and abandoned. I am used to being driven everywhere if it was out of the norm distant trip and I guess I missed the protectiveness you feel from such an act.

Contentment came from a place and belief that I can do it and I don’t have to depend on anyone.

I wish

I wish so many things..........
I wish i kept the finger on the pulse
I wish I was strong back then to stand up for people
I wish I opened up to my family long time ago
but most of all I wish I wised up long before now

I feel lonely and desolate.
We humans are very lonely when we carry a burden.

Feelings

Feelings of mixed emotions overwhelm me. Feelings of anger, of frustration and more feelings of frustrations and more anger.

I am angry. I feel angry most of the time. Not at anyone in particular but with everyone and everything.
I feel like just driving and keep driving away. I don’t know where. I just need to go. I feel I can't cope.
Most people are phoney. They say one thing to your face and do entirely different thing.
Everything is valued in $$ terms in this world. Yes even us humans. Hell mostly us humans.
We are respected based on our $$ worth. Of course words of phoney philosophy roll out of people’s mouths about how money is not what makes a person, money is not everything blah blah. Like hell it doesn’t, in reality!
How people treat you will change from the moment they find out your money has run out.Don't tell me otherwise.

Yesterday I was asked to add this phoney article in a newsletter I was putting together and it took every ounce of strength in me not scream, laugh at the farcical, hypocritical claims
Here’s what it was. “Community workers do their jobs for the love of their community not for monetary gain or power!!!!!!” Yeah right, show me one and I’ll show you a person who has never sinned!
Yeah I know I diverted but this is my blog and I can divert and write whatever the hell I want. Who is going to stop me!
All other times I have to wear this smile on my face compose myself and act as if eveything thing is alright. Well everything is not alright!
That is my vent for the day. Did it make me feel any better? Nah, not one iota.
Thank God for my blog I can write anything without being judged or asked to get over it.

Reflections

The sense of want and need for peace.
The sense of feeling your brain clogged.
Knowing your threshold for patience with the rest of the world is zilch or thin right now.
The sense of provocation towards everyone.

You know you need peace and want your head clear.
You know you need to unclog your brain.
I don’t know about patience and the rest of the world. All my life I have been polite and courteous of others even in times of upheaval. I didn’t think I should take my burdens to the outside world. However I have faced others’ snappiness in their times of stress. I didn’t and don’t believe I should face those but of course they thought they had the right and people would say “she is going through a rough time Don't take it to heart”
To hell with it. Take it elsewhere! Will people have the same empathy if it was me who was snappy? I don’t think so.

I was near snapping at people if they at least said the wrong word to me yesterday. Especially one woman. Luckily they didn’t.

Amongst all these I laugh to feel the facial muscles working and enjoy the sensation. It simultaneously clears my head albeit superficially.
But it does help though not in any depth.

Making Sense

Where do I begin and where do I end? Everyone have their limit of endurance. I think I have reached mine. I can’t concentrate nor retain what was told a second before. How hard I try I can't recall what was said. That is not good when working.

I know I must cast everything aside and concentrate on work. But how? How do I do it? Everything frightens me but I can’t let anxiety overcome and sabotage what I have. There is no compassion in the working world.

I wish I could compose myself like I used to. Now everyone can see when something is not right. I don’t like it. That frightens me to believe that I have reached my limit.I feel like yelling and screaming or just walking away. But I can't.

Nothing seems right. I feel it is not right that three of us are paying for someone’s misfortune not once but many times over. Something doesn’t seem right. How can that be? How can it be that we continue to pay for his sins?

I need to scream
I am screaming inside.
My head is exploding
He is up and down the house at my face
I find solace in my son’s room but I can’t lie down, I feel jittery
I feel I am at breaking point but I can’t break down.
I feel I am the pin that’s holding the fabric together.
When I think of work tomorrow I feel jittery and a brain freeze.
I have to chant to myself I can’t feel that, I can’t break down.
I can’t feel anything but to work to keep the family afloat
I have to do that for my son’s sake
I need to talk to someone, anyone.

Ripple Effects

Had a difficult evening and night yesterday with the sensation of my brain squeezing and the head about to explode. That’s the best I know how to describe it.

Life!

Where I was and where I am now! Just like that!

Stroke of a pen is all it took for my life to change dramatically and push me to an unknown realm of bullying and subsequent hardships. It gave rights to a person without an iota of life skills, to have control, exercise power and drag me down with him.

And now we live the ripple effects of his actions.

Strength and Courage

How or where do you draw the strength to keep your sanity while living under the same roof as a man whose arrogant decisions had affected three other people adversely over the years? Add to that, the fact those mistakes didn’t stop him from repeating them again. Those mistakes didn't make him stop and think or learn any lessons. I guess when someone is perfect as he is there is nothing to learn. Mind boggling huh?

For awhile there it was extremely hard to be in close proximity to him. It eroded my self-worth and self respect to live and put up with such egotism. Keeping busy blocked those feelings and aided in my sanity and survival. Getting out and earning too helped immensely to alleviate those feelings.

It is very easy for people to say “leave him?” or ask “Have you thought of leaving him?” when reality is different. Believe me I was once, one of those others who said “if you can’t live together, part” The people who doesn't ask such questions are women who have been in similar situations.

It all boils down to survival or how best to survive. Rental properties are scarce and rents are high in this area and buying is not easy. So what other alternatives do I have? If someone can give alternatives instead of telling "leave him" then I will listen.

One of the hardest things with this living arrangement is to find time, tranquillity and space for myself. Another hard reality is how best to live without resentment or animosity towards the other person for what he has done to the family.

For the first time in many months I felt a tinge of chest tightening today and feel it as I write.

It is very hard not to lay blame continuously though in reality I am beyond blaming. I just want a way out.

Where to?

Where do I begin? Have you ever had the feeling that you are on your own no matter how much love or support you may receive? I am in that situation........again! Though you may have support from family and friends who will empathise, sympathise and try to comfort; in reality there is nothing anyone can do unless they or you had a magic wand. Nothing less than a miracle is going to help you and everything else seem fruitless. After all when people close to you have left or you have hung up from talking to a loved one,you are left to face the enormous burden alone.

How many more times do I have to go through similar happenings or for how long? I have to believe this is the very last time and stay positive to keep my sanity and walk without falling down. It is cliché I know, but I have to say “you only get 20 years for murder” and I have lived this life for 26 years going on 27.

If I weigh up things then I can say I am wiser than last time and in a better position (?) debatable I’d say, nevertheless,I was more conscious of how things could change overnight and was prepared(?) again debatable; or more like preparing myself to best survive.

I might have an avenue to keep my head above the water this time around, only barely just, nevertheless having that option which I didn’t have 9 years ago is heartening.


Bottom line is I shouldn’t be where I am today as I had no part in the decision making process of the determining factors that lead to this. If anything I was opposed to most or all. Try and figure that one out. I hate to repeatedly think this or say it but I am only human and until I can get out of this messy situation I guess I will repeat.

I feel like asking repeatedly “why?” but I wonder if anyone is listening.

Misguided Politeness

I knew it is misguided yet I followed it. Why? I don’t have the answer. The things we humans do for civility I guess. There is a flip side too but too tired to write about that.


I am talking about the farcical course I am currently enrolled in. I chose the word ‘enrolled’ instead of ‘studying’ though we are towards the tail end of the course, because we don’t do much studying except sit around waiting for something to happen.

Ok to get to the title of this post; as part of the course we are expected to make a blog entry before we finish for the day. I was in a miserable and frustrated mood and I didn't have kind thoughts about the teacher either. Hence deliberately avoided the blog entry. Of course not this blog, but the one made especially for the course. I didn’t trust myself as to what I will write.

I was in a frame of mind to write
“what an unproductive day! Sat around fiddling with WebPages until lunch time”.
And our teacher loves telling
“want a break?”
“Go take a break” or
“morning tea time”
“Ok let’s have lunch” and mid afternoon he would ask
“anyone want a break?”

Break, break, break...... break from what? Break from endless break we have in class? It is as if we go out of habit to be miserable and to drink bad coffee and eat lunch; Let’s boogie.......

How can this teacher go home and sleep?

Philosophical Mumbo Jumbo

How do you emotionally detach yourself, as part of a couple, when dealing with personal issues of the other, which may or may not have direct impact on you?

How do you step back and let them make their decisions, make their mistakes or otherwise instead of taking it on as your issues?

Where do you draw the line in listening and interfering in their decision making? How do you avoid the emotional entanglement?
How do I stay non committal?

I guess there is no easy way if a third party is involved and you suspect their motives for doing certain things.If so how do you distance yourself from that view and find a fresh perspective?

When I step back and reassess I realise my emotional involvement and I am not happy about it

I can only hope the new day, tomorrow, will involve honest and productive work which will bar social drivel, shallow people, their hidden agendas and manipulations from entering my mind

I feel utterly drained and for what?

Annoying People

Argh.......why can’t hairdressers put a zip in it and cut our hair? Not all of us want to tell our life story to the hairdresser or the barman!
Where do you live? What do you do? How many kids do you have? How old are they? Where do you work?

Why stop there?..... Why not ask how much I earn, how old I am, what I ate for breakfast, did I have sex last night? Arghhhhhh

How presumptuous of this woman to assume that I was not born in this country just because I don’t have the right skin colour and to ask "how long have you lived in this country?" This then led to an onslaught of questions, among them was the "Do you like living here?"..... What sort of a ignorant question is that after I replied "20 years"

For Christ sake I have lived in this country for 20 years. Will I live somewhere I didn’t like? And I have asnwered those same questions time and time again 20 million times over the last 20 years.

My regular hairdresser doesn’t say boo to me after the initial “hello, come in” “just a trim today?” and “how much do you want taken off”. She then set off to do her job, which btw she does a damn good job of, and during which I alternate between drifting off to my dreamland to examining my face in the mirror and be miserable about the lines around my mouth and then back to dreaming again. And I come out a happy customer.
Unfortunately she wasn’t working today and against my better judgment I chose another. I made a mental note to tell her, politely of course, to concentrate on the cutting if she started to talk. But of course when someone is so nice and polite, you just can’t say the things concocted in your head prior to that.

At the beginning I kept my replies to a short “yes” or “no” to see if she will get the drift. Oh no she had to keep on asking question after question and then some of the questions warranted a longer answer than a “yes” or “no”

What I See

I look at myself in the mirror and what do I see?

A face I don’t recognise anymore.
The glow that once was, is gone.
The bright eyes that once were are gone.
The freedom once shown on the face is gone.
The carefree look that once was is gone.

All I see now is a look of weariness, hardship, worries and being subdued.

Clear as Mud

So had a training day at work today.I tell ya so much information to absorb in one day. When you do this you have to go here in the system and enter that and then you go there and enter that and on and so forth ....................

When you do this, go here in the system and enter it, then after you do that go there in the system and add that and then you note the receipt number comp generates and write it down here. Oh and don’t worry if you forget to note the number you can always find it the convoluted way. Go here highlight this, pick this option from the drop down menu and it will open this, double click that line and then click that in the new window, voila there is the number you missed the first time. Easy? Sure!
Yep clear as mud at the moment.

I am so tired BUT I am not complaining. It is wonderful to have the avenue to generate income.

I can’t believe that I am having such a hard time to comprehend and absorb something?? I could pick up on comp work fast or so I thought. The feelings when unable to figure out or remember things that were once shown or having to ask again is one of inadequacy :( I don't understand the mental block I am having with this new job. It is not brain surgery for God's sake. To top it all I feel I am so slow too in doing things. :(

Ok on to some positive thinking!

It is still early days considering it is not a full time job and I will get there slowly but surely, and when I do, look back at these times and wonder what I was worried about!
Yep :)

Echo In My Head

Thump thump thump, that is the echo in my head, after a few hours in the car, with my now, just past the teen years progeny. And...................to give me more of the same she leaves the engine on when getting off the car to make a dash purchase while I stay in the car!

Considerate of her I must say, as she would want the music on if it was the opposite and I got out. Thank you my darling for your consideration....... but....... no thanks. Argh!

Making Sense

Do things make sense all the time? I don’t think so. Many things do not make any sense most of the time. It is a bit like art really. I can’t make head or tail of some art. I don’t think many people do, most of us pretend we know or like art to show our supposed refinement and sophistication.

Hell I never get art except the straight forward ones. Like sceneries, portraits etcetera. But I have developed the right attitude with appreciative comments like “beautiful colours” which is by large true. But if I am to be honest, it is mind numbingly boring to go to an art exhibition unless it is followed by cheese and wine later.

Some art are naturally beautiful, granted, even if it is blobs of colour splattered across the canvas representative of the painter’s mood at the time, still it doesn't make sense as the observer.

I think I went on a tangent here. Oh well.........this is my blog and I can damn well write what I want.

I Think I Have Arrived

Last night in bed, my haven,I meditated more on the situation, weighed up the choices and I think I arrived at one. I repeat “I think”. I made a mental note as to the date I will do it and when I will tell the dragon. How I dread that! Not the decision part but the informing of the decision to the backstabber AKA dragon. She is not a pretty woman. I don’t mean that in any physical sense. Selfish to the hilt in the welfare sector no less! Go figure!

I don't know if my decision is right or wrong or indeed there is a right or wrong one. However the decision I made is in my best interest I think. Some things you do in life or situations you are in are like bad marriages. You wish you were not in that knot and want things to be different or wish you could just walk away, yet it is not that simple

Coming to a Decision

How do you go about making a decisive decision? The kind, once made, have no return? You can weigh it up, talk to others about it, which no one wants to or can tell you what to do anyway, without any success. You analyse it as perceptively as you can yet vacillate about the decision.

This thing may not even be essential to your happiness or significant to your life. It could, on one hand, have a detrimental effect, when you take backstabbing, undermining etc into consideration, yet, important enough in some respects. So you want to hold on to it for that!

Partly it could be fear of letting go of something you have and if there is another part, I don’t know what it is.
All in all I have to come to a decision soon.

What happened to my sense of adventure? Where did that disappear to? I guess when you have had to live through some horribly wrong decisions made for you by others; fear builds up and eats away at your courage. Add to that mellowing of age and you have a double whammy.

I want my own crystal ball!

Why ...........................

Do I have to?................................................................
.............................................................................
.............................................................................
Why can't I............????

Options

It is very hard to live with regrets. You always find something to regret. I had a few difficult days after seeing a friend’s profile and how gorgeous she still looked. How toned her arms were etc. But then again she lives a very comfortable life....me on the other hand.........well never mind.

I went to see a movie tonight about the plight of people during natural disasters. People are absolutely helpless and have to depend on others. People who have lost everything; their homes, family members, friends, pets, their schools and the list goes on. Some have lost their entire family and some of the extended family and have nothing left, yet functioning. They have to begin life again in a country with so little help and so much red tape and a bullshit bureaucracy.

I drove home with a heavy heart and feeling of guilt about how shallow we humans can be from time to time. How we opt to see the grass always greener on the other side.

I think I needed to see this movie. A timely knock on the head, to look around and be thankful.

If I want toned arms get out and do some arm exercises,damn it! and if I want a comfortable life do something about it!

At least be thankful for the options.

FB

FB! Good old fashion eavesdropping done the new fashion way. Ultimate invasion of privacy! You settle down in your chair in the comfort of your home and eavesdrop through your monitor without moving a muscle. It could be on people you know from around the corner or half way across the globe. while you chat with your family and friends the rest of the folks watch and read. Life is out there, and bare, for all to see and read!

I was working today when someone walked in and started “my grandson...............” and before she went on with the rest of the story I knew what she was going to say as I read her grandson’s comments on her profile the night before :)

It took everything within me not to laugh or say, “Yep I know he wants to do that!”

Recap

What a full day! Hectic is one way of putting it. Lunch break was used to dash to Woolies and grab some provisions for tonight’s dinner as the guest of honour refused to go out to dinner as planned, at the last minute. On with the thinking hat to figure out what I could cook in a flash.

I barely had time to look at things at the supermarket as I had to be in and out in 20 minutes and be at work before the next client came in. Raced in and out of isles grabbing what I wanted. Good thing a better part of my life is spent either cooking or shopping for ingredients. Interesting life innit?

I was famished by that time but had to wait till the next client had come and booked in before I could eat

Yearnings

Why can’t I write my thoughts as I used to? Why do I have a mental block? It’s as if I live in a vacuum though my life is full without a moment to sit down, put my feet up and go “ahhh..........”
God my life has become so busy lately.
People say it’s good to be busy. Perhaps!
But isn’t it also good to have time to stop and breathe in the fresh air? Look and absorb the scenery? Smell the flowers and watch the lady bug at work? Sit and watch the world go by while your mind wanders to incredible realms?
Irony is, I had that life once and I wasn’t happy. I wanted to be busy like the rest of the world.
Hmm................

By myself

Got a day off after a loooong time. I looked forward to enjoying the stillness of the day, doing absolutely nothing but breathe in the meditative solitude within ...........but no..............just realised I have some cooking to do for a special occasion. You may ask how I would’ve cooked if I had to work........well I was going to buy something in that case.
Still, the surrounding is all very peaceful except for the lone crowing I can hear and the soft sound of my computer working for me.

Why?

Why am I this resentful of a certain someone's arrogant and bullying behaviour? Why do i let such people get to me?
Is it because I find it hard to understand how some people can act without a conscience? Why do they deliberately set out to sabotage another and their progress?
I wish I knew why?

Ok I admit I am supposed to be a mature person. Hell I am a mother of two grown children. Ok one grown, the law says she is, and other still growing, needing nurturing.
I am tired......of work....juggling so many things on so many fronts. I can’t complain, rather not supposed to complain, just grin and carry on. Maybe I can complain, up to a point I believe. I have to know when to stop otherwise people don’t want to know you. You become such a drag. You have to be fun fun fun all the time.

But things happen or deceitful, devious, scheming people happen in your life and I need to complain. Need to expel resentment/depression/angst and more. Find a fresh perspective from another person.
And...............
I need to complain on an ongoing basis until woe giver is given a flick from my life.