Tug Of War

I have been at a tug of war with myself regarding a certain place I go to and a decision I have to make.
How do I come to the right decision or is there a right one?

Where has my intuitive decision making ability vanished to? I have been wavering for so long and that is so unlike me. I am not a waverer!

I feel, this particular place is not good for me emotionally or spiritually. I can handle people playing games amongst themselves but I can’t handle if it involves me. I don’t have the mental makeup to be a game player. So what happens is I complain and then I become a whinger.

So far I have been either in the fluctuating platform or decisive one. Alas when I have been in the latter something happens beyond my control preventing me from carrying out that decision. So I have had to stick it out.

I am exhausted on many fronts and feel the need to move away from places and people who are too shallow, petty minded and taxing

Yesterday while talking with someone about the behaviour of a certain person I had a sort of a revelation as to what I could do to stop it all. This is the very same decision I have arrived at in the past only to revert due to conditions beyond my control
However even with the new knowledge I still can’t make up my mind.
Money, however meagre, amount to something at this point. So that is a preventing factor. But there is something else that is preventing me from putting the foot forward and seeing my decision through. I can’t pin point what it is.

I wonder if it is because of my belief that if you do a decent job you will eventually be rewarded. Yeah right in your dreams! Perhaps in the commercial sector, yes, but not so in the community sector. Community sector operate on a different value level. There is no performance accountability for the staff, as long as they can provide some statistical data to their funding body at the end of the financial year. Anyone who is a conscientious unpaid worker is exploited in the name of volunteering without recognising their contribution.

Had a talk with the daughter on the matter and when I put forth my facts and stated the obvious choice she said “yep you should” and then I put forward the second scenario she said “yep that is true too” So as you can see that was no help.

Arrgh do it! Just do it! What am I worried about?