Discrimination

As one would expect things have a way of coming to bite you if your practises are unethical. And that is what happened this week. I was demoted, pushed down, didn't give enough hours to do the job all in the hope of getting rid of me. Why? cos I didn't blend in with the rest of the skin colour tones and I talked "funny" not like them. I was made to feel nothing and the person they put above me with disgusting amount of hours to sit and watch movies was of the right skin colour of course. He dash out the door with apparent "outside" work (which the manager never questioned for obvious reasons. he is there for a reason (to keep me down) so he "will" never do wrong). Well they played Russian roulette with others money, gave all sorts of hokes pokes stories to relavant authorities, some bought it hook line and sinker but now others are demanding explanations. Well what do you know............I am blamed for not following policies? Hello..........if you want things to be done properly and follow policies to the T then pay correct hours and support staff regardless of their skin colour and talking "funny". What about the "right skin" and "blue eyes" isn't he the accountable one? I thought that is how things are, the one in "charge" is accountable. let's see the next episode. Will he eventually get caught doing something else while supposedly working during working hours? If it is the manager who catches then you can bet your bottom dollar she will cover it up. I want someone else to catch him. But then again due to recent changes he is camping in his office without bolting out like he used to. Still there is chance and there is justice and karma so let's hope he gets caught to someone other than the manager. Guess what else this corrupt workplace is doing. There is staff movement register happening and guess whose name never appears there!! Yep you guessed right "his" name. It only happened once and it didn't take a second for a manager to respond in his defence. And the person who manages this register wants to keep her job too so she avoid mentioning his name and on days his movements are suspicious there is no movement register!!!! Go figure that one. Justice will prevail

Loneliness

The loneliness is killing me. Lack of money is killing me, Unfairness depresses me. No one wants to talk to anyone with problems. How many times can you call lifeline?

I don't know what to do or where to go. No where to go really. I don't know the meaning of holidays. My head has been heavy with stress now for over a decade.

Crying Silently

Oh my brain, oh my mind, oh my life!
I am holding on to the reserves of my endurance, how scant that is.
For the first time in my life I feel I need emotional support but there is no one and I am alone. When you are stuck you are alone.
No one has even an atom of an idea how hard I am trying to keep my head up.
How long can I go like this?

Dear Blog

I didn’t mean to ignore you but lot have happened since I last wrote. Life has been pretty busy and I have been rushed off my feet.

On top of that the stuff I was going through and needed an outlet to vent has somewhat taken a different turn. I thought I was alone in those feelings but becoming aware that a lot of other people felt the same way, sort of lessen the burden or stress so to speak. Hence the lack of need to write

So what am I going to write about from now? Happy things I hope.

Now that would be wonderful

Tug Of War

I have been at a tug of war with myself regarding a certain place I go to and a decision I have to make.
How do I come to the right decision or is there a right one?

Where has my intuitive decision making ability vanished to? I have been wavering for so long and that is so unlike me. I am not a waverer!

I feel, this particular place is not good for me emotionally or spiritually. I can handle people playing games amongst themselves but I can’t handle if it involves me. I don’t have the mental makeup to be a game player. So what happens is I complain and then I become a whinger.

So far I have been either in the fluctuating platform or decisive one. Alas when I have been in the latter something happens beyond my control preventing me from carrying out that decision. So I have had to stick it out.

I am exhausted on many fronts and feel the need to move away from places and people who are too shallow, petty minded and taxing

Yesterday while talking with someone about the behaviour of a certain person I had a sort of a revelation as to what I could do to stop it all. This is the very same decision I have arrived at in the past only to revert due to conditions beyond my control
However even with the new knowledge I still can’t make up my mind.
Money, however meagre, amount to something at this point. So that is a preventing factor. But there is something else that is preventing me from putting the foot forward and seeing my decision through. I can’t pin point what it is.

I wonder if it is because of my belief that if you do a decent job you will eventually be rewarded. Yeah right in your dreams! Perhaps in the commercial sector, yes, but not so in the community sector. Community sector operate on a different value level. There is no performance accountability for the staff, as long as they can provide some statistical data to their funding body at the end of the financial year. Anyone who is a conscientious unpaid worker is exploited in the name of volunteering without recognising their contribution.

Had a talk with the daughter on the matter and when I put forth my facts and stated the obvious choice she said “yep you should” and then I put forward the second scenario she said “yep that is true too” So as you can see that was no help.

Arrgh do it! Just do it! What am I worried about?

My thoughts and I

I am struggling with feelings of sympathy towards a man who had no sympathy for me when he controlled my life the way he thought it should be lived.

I don’t understand those feelings of mine or the place they are coming from. They surprise me. After all I felt none for him before.

His tone of voice, the stammering while trying to say something, the search for words and the anxiety.......... and the fact that I don’t listen or not wanting to listen.......all generate compassion later.

Perhaps that is what humanness is all about however insensitive the other person has been.

There is no joy seeing a man down even though he led himself there. I empathise the utter despondency he must be feeling. Or does he?? Is he capable of such? I don't know. Perhaps he is.

But once bitten twice shy so I am aware not to let those feelings engulf me to lead to a path of trusting him. I need to look after myself.

It is beyond my comprehension as to how we got to where we are today or how a brain kept doing what it did without learning from mistakes.
I have stopped trying to comprehend. I don't think i ever will

Putting up a Brave Face

I had a difficult day today both emotionally and physically. Woke up in the morning with the whole body aching. Wished I could phone work and say I am not coming in. But I don’t have that luxury. Not anymore. I have to correct someone else mistakes.

If circumstances were different and my life took a different turn giving me the opportunity to gear my life where I wanted it to go, then I would be living a stress free life today working only to keep busy and not necessarily to depend on that.

But life had other plans and I just couldn’t win. How unfair!

Went though lots of emotions in the morning before going to work and gathering the strength to pert up to work was a feat.
Around mid morning I felt the downturn of the radar and brain going into hibernation. It was very hard especially around people to keep a straight face and talk.
I was crying inside but had to carry on as normal.