Highway to?

I drove across the country all myself today. Ok alright, it was across the state, so what. It is same but different.

Driving up to the destination was spent concentrating not to miss the exit and making sure I stay on track but the return trip was more relaxed, filled with mixed feelings, while retracing the steps back home

There were feelings of sadness and contentment at the same time. I guess sadness came from a place where I felt alone and abandoned. I am used to being driven everywhere if it was out of the norm distant trip and I guess I missed the protectiveness you feel from such an act.

Contentment came from a place and belief that I can do it and I don’t have to depend on anyone.

I wish

I wish so many things..........
I wish i kept the finger on the pulse
I wish I was strong back then to stand up for people
I wish I opened up to my family long time ago
but most of all I wish I wised up long before now

I feel lonely and desolate.
We humans are very lonely when we carry a burden.

Feelings

Feelings of mixed emotions overwhelm me. Feelings of anger, of frustration and more feelings of frustrations and more anger.

I am angry. I feel angry most of the time. Not at anyone in particular but with everyone and everything.
I feel like just driving and keep driving away. I don’t know where. I just need to go. I feel I can't cope.
Most people are phoney. They say one thing to your face and do entirely different thing.
Everything is valued in $$ terms in this world. Yes even us humans. Hell mostly us humans.
We are respected based on our $$ worth. Of course words of phoney philosophy roll out of people’s mouths about how money is not what makes a person, money is not everything blah blah. Like hell it doesn’t, in reality!
How people treat you will change from the moment they find out your money has run out.Don't tell me otherwise.

Yesterday I was asked to add this phoney article in a newsletter I was putting together and it took every ounce of strength in me not scream, laugh at the farcical, hypocritical claims
Here’s what it was. “Community workers do their jobs for the love of their community not for monetary gain or power!!!!!!” Yeah right, show me one and I’ll show you a person who has never sinned!
Yeah I know I diverted but this is my blog and I can divert and write whatever the hell I want. Who is going to stop me!
All other times I have to wear this smile on my face compose myself and act as if eveything thing is alright. Well everything is not alright!
That is my vent for the day. Did it make me feel any better? Nah, not one iota.
Thank God for my blog I can write anything without being judged or asked to get over it.

Reflections

The sense of want and need for peace.
The sense of feeling your brain clogged.
Knowing your threshold for patience with the rest of the world is zilch or thin right now.
The sense of provocation towards everyone.

You know you need peace and want your head clear.
You know you need to unclog your brain.
I don’t know about patience and the rest of the world. All my life I have been polite and courteous of others even in times of upheaval. I didn’t think I should take my burdens to the outside world. However I have faced others’ snappiness in their times of stress. I didn’t and don’t believe I should face those but of course they thought they had the right and people would say “she is going through a rough time Don't take it to heart”
To hell with it. Take it elsewhere! Will people have the same empathy if it was me who was snappy? I don’t think so.

I was near snapping at people if they at least said the wrong word to me yesterday. Especially one woman. Luckily they didn’t.

Amongst all these I laugh to feel the facial muscles working and enjoy the sensation. It simultaneously clears my head albeit superficially.
But it does help though not in any depth.

Making Sense

Where do I begin and where do I end? Everyone have their limit of endurance. I think I have reached mine. I can’t concentrate nor retain what was told a second before. How hard I try I can't recall what was said. That is not good when working.

I know I must cast everything aside and concentrate on work. But how? How do I do it? Everything frightens me but I can’t let anxiety overcome and sabotage what I have. There is no compassion in the working world.

I wish I could compose myself like I used to. Now everyone can see when something is not right. I don’t like it. That frightens me to believe that I have reached my limit.I feel like yelling and screaming or just walking away. But I can't.

Nothing seems right. I feel it is not right that three of us are paying for someone’s misfortune not once but many times over. Something doesn’t seem right. How can that be? How can it be that we continue to pay for his sins?

I need to scream
I am screaming inside.
My head is exploding
He is up and down the house at my face
I find solace in my son’s room but I can’t lie down, I feel jittery
I feel I am at breaking point but I can’t break down.
I feel I am the pin that’s holding the fabric together.
When I think of work tomorrow I feel jittery and a brain freeze.
I have to chant to myself I can’t feel that, I can’t break down.
I can’t feel anything but to work to keep the family afloat
I have to do that for my son’s sake
I need to talk to someone, anyone.

Ripple Effects

Had a difficult evening and night yesterday with the sensation of my brain squeezing and the head about to explode. That’s the best I know how to describe it.

Life!

Where I was and where I am now! Just like that!

Stroke of a pen is all it took for my life to change dramatically and push me to an unknown realm of bullying and subsequent hardships. It gave rights to a person without an iota of life skills, to have control, exercise power and drag me down with him.

And now we live the ripple effects of his actions.